i need an iv and a liver transplant
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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