hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
