weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
