Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
