I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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