I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
And then he peed in my hair
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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