today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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