if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
