Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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