I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
