I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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