I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
