just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ambien. No doubt about it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
