you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
