I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
