Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
