Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
