i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
