People in love make me want to vomit
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
