I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
