Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
