How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
