No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
