So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
