what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
