just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
