I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
