I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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