1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
