Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
