You smell like stripper and shame
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
