My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
