I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
