Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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