So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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