I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
