I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
