Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
