It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
