i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
