I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
