last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
