I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
