He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
