I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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