I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
