Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
