her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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