Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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