Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
