no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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