No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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