I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
