im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
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That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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