I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
