Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
