Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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