The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
