Don't make out with my wife yet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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