Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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